Farewell to Summer, My Enemy

Summer, I am not sad to see you go. You were a difficult season, to be sure. You are much too hot for a girl raised in a temperate clime and this year you were not just hot, but very sad and trying for me as well.

Mainly I dislike you, of course, because of my separation from E. Your blazing heat made that difficult situation harder than it had to be. Early into that experience, after the decision to separate, but before E moved out, Carmen and I escaped your punishing weather and our sad home at Barnes & Noble. There were many other “browsers” there that day too, all wanting to get away from you, Summer. I discovered the book “Vintage Vavoom” and lost myself in the gorgeous vignettes photographed therein. Once home, I busied myself re-working my china cabinet. Inspired by what I had seen in the book, I attempted to create a more soothing, monochromatic display of creams and browns, with a few hints of blue and pink. I arranged jars of river rocks and sand, a dish of sea glass and my antique vegetable bowl full of pottery shards that we discovered on our hike at Folsom Lake last year. All of these are mementos of happier summers. I also included photos and artifacts from my ancestors. When I look at the cabinet now, I think I was creating a visual story of sentiment and loss. It helped me process the changes our family was facing.


Another thing that made you so objectionable, Summer, was the fact that you were all work and no play this year. There were no vacations and no outings to beaches or lakes or rivers. If not for Uncle Jon and Aunt Deb, my boys would have been prisoners at home. For me, it was work, work, work. I am very thankful to be able to provide the neccessities for my family, but did you need to taunt me with the sight of happy, vacationing families driving past me on the road? Their roof racks proclaimed their purpose and left me feeling sad for all the adventures that I was NOT providing to my children. It’s a pretty sad Summer when a cemetery tour is the highlight!

I am grateful for this new chapter in my life, difficult as it may be at time, but I want you to fully know, Summer, that you made it worse than it had to be.

I’m ready to embrace Autumn, who has always been so kind to me, with her brisk breezes and visual delights. She offers fresh hope for happier times. I am looking forward to decorating my home and china cabinet to welcome her. I am thinking longingly of the new, happy memories I will create with my children and my oven is trembling with anticipation of being put to use again.

But you, Summer, are no friend to me and I bid you a glad adieu.

This and That

I've got a few more things hanging in my bedroom. The little pink shelf/corbel was my mother's. I've always loved it. The blue pocket is a Victorian watch pocket. Victorian women made them for their husbands as a place to protect their pocket watch at night. I guess that makes it a "pocket watch pocket"!

Anyway, back in the eighties I checked out a book from the library that was all Victorian crafts. I was very inspired by it and made this for my husband, Jerry. It's velvet and it was the first time I had ever done any bead work. I think I will put a photo of Jerry in it and I need to find a more attractive hook than a pushpin! He loved it and used it every night so it's a pretty special little item.

On the other side of the bed I have these pastel portraits. They are a little big for the space, but I love to look at them when I wake up or if I get a nap in on the weekend.

The portrait on the left is Carmen at age three and the other is me at age three. They were both done at Disneyland in New Orleans Square. I grew up looking at the one of me and when we took Carmen to Disneyland I had to have her portrait done! I gave it to my mother and they have been together ever since. I think they are kind of sweet and nostalgic looking.

Here's something you don't see everyday- a naked Josephine March! I am continuing my Little Women sister dolls. I have the most adorable tiny hounds tooth in navy that will be her dress. Very Jo, I think!

Also, on swap-bot I have really been getting into handmade postcard swaps. There is something about postcards that is "just right" for me. ATC's are what a lot of people enjoy, but I get a little too intimidated by them. Postcards are just ...mail, I guess. It really frees me. The one on top is for a black and white artwork swap and the green one is for an alphabet postcard swap. It's so cool- it's going to take about a year to get through the whole alphabet, but when we are done we will have such an awesome collection! By the way, "S" is for sequin if you couldn't tell. I sewed them on by hand and then glued a backing to it. We are not going in order so that kinds of adds to the fun. Plus, I make each postcard tailored to the profile of my recipient so I can't jump ahead and just do letters randomly. It's kind of weird how much I am enjoying these!

In spite of my brave quote about attitude yesterday, I was having a very hard day. Yesterday would have been my twenty-fourth wedding anniversary if I hadn't been widowed in 1995. I think it hit me extra hard because instead of celebrating, I am mourning two marriages. I never thought I would find myself in this position at age 44. I am re-thinking my whole life, I guess. My mother married five times. All I ever wanted was to find Mr. Right and a picket fence and settle into the blissful domesticity that I never experienced as a child. I was so happy with Jerry and before he died, it seemed that I had exactly what I had always wanted. Instead of facing the fact that my life had changed in a very profound way after he died, I tried to replicate my happy life with someone who was not right for me in any way, shape or form. I tried for years and years!

Now I am really coming to terms with the fact that that old, old dream is gone and I must come up with a new plan for my life. Just as my marriage to E was an in-authentic (is that a word?!) choice for me, so is my job. I'm not completely sure how to get there, but art therapist is really looking like a compelling choice for me. I've never been able to commit to a career choice, but this one is different. To work in art and help people at the same time? Wow. That is amazing. It will take a lot of work to get there. First I need a bachelor's degree and then a master's! Whew- that's a lot of schooling for an old gal. But exciting too, huh? Of course, ideally, I would really love to be a full-time student, but I doubt there is a some big benefactor out there handing out scholarships big enough for that! And that's what I'm wondering...do I love this dream enough that I will work at it while still working full-time to support my family? I think I do!

Photo from flickr.

How-do Friends!

As you can see, my yo-yo obsession reached its culmination. Pretty cute, huh? I'm not sure if I will sell it or keep it. It sure makes me happy every time I see it. Look at this next photo- all kinds of things to love in one spot!
I got my new pillow, my crazy cat who thinks he is a baby and a new dolly-in-the-works! She will go into the shop very soon.

Speaking of new dolls, after I finish the little cutie above, I need to make a Raggedy Ann! Yes, I must! The amazing Martha of JelliesJamsDolls has just finished a new batch and they are SO cute! Her Raggedy Anns are less about "decor" and more like the character of Johnny Gruelle's illustrations. Here is one of her newest dolls:

See what I mean? Doesn't she look just like she is on a real adventure? She and her sister are listed on ebay here, if you are interested. I would bid if I could afford one, but I know they will go pretty high-as they should! Really wonderful artistry in these dollies.


I've been pretty busy this week getting the boys ready for school. I just can't believe my babies are getting so big! My baby, Max, is starting junior high! His dad took him and Eric out for some school shopping and when they got home they were sporting their first piercings!
Can you see it? Eric got one too. It sure is a tiny little earring...I guess I could live with it. Especially when he looks so adorable. Look at those eyelashes! Lordy, I am so jealous! Eric's earring is invisible as his eyes. That boy needs a haircut! E's been teaching him how to use his bow and arrow which he left here because, well in an apartment there is no shooting range! Anyway, Eric has really taken to it. Check out how close all his arrows are to each other:

It's interesting that E is spending more time now with the boys than he ever did when he lived here! Apparently he has a new appreciation for family life. And for me too, I guess. Not really sure how I feel about that. Well, no, I do know. I don't care for it. And yet, I'm weak enough to be flattered by the attention. *sigh* As Scarlett said, "Fiddle-dee-dee!" Oh, wait, I meant, "I'll think about that tomorrow." Today, I have both jobs to work and a Raggedy Ann to make!

Hugs to all!

Welcome To The Land of Stability!

Pic from flickr here

I am learning so much from Getting Past Your Past (http:/gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com)! I was just there reading about using your life inventory and relationship inventories to help you understand what need you were trying fill with your relationship(s).



I realized that when I met E, my life felt very out of control. I can remember telling someone that I felt that my feet had been strapped to a skateboard and then I had been pushed down a hill in San Fransisco. What I saw in E was someone who had had some really bad breaks and made me feel like a rock who could provide stability. What I NOW know is that without being on stable ground myself, I couldn't see that we each need to provide a stable base for ourselves. I couldn't give him that stability and eventually, I had to face the fact that by doing what I had done, I didn't deal with my own instabilities. Mind blowing, I tell you!



So then, I had this lovely mental image: I pictured me on a big, stable raft on a slow and steady river, pulling up alongside someone else who is also on a big, stable raft and saying, "Hi, I see you are from the Land of Stability. I am too!" That crazy image is partly fed by a tee-shirt my son told me about with a goofy, wanna-be guy on it who says, "I see you're pretty gangsta... I'm pretty gangsta myself!" Except, I won't always be a wanna-be -- I really am going to reach The Land of Stability because I am doing the work and walking the walk, sisters-of-mine! I'll know you when I get there!

Progress Report

Pic from flickr

I don't really have as much structure in my life as I would like and I want to work on that. One area that I am currently struggling with is my financial situation. I have no wiggle room in my budget and as a result, I need to be very diligent about tracking my spending. Well, this weekend I was not diligent and I am paying for it today. I overdrew the checking account by $4 and incured a $35 overdraft fee. To cover the shortage, I took a Wells Fargo direct deposit advance. That will bite me in the butt next month when it plus the 10% fee come due. And in the interests of complete honesty, I made some purchases with a credit card last weekend. I did need a bed frame, but I don't know that charging it was the wisest thing to do. I was impatient and now I will pay for it.

Ironically, it was the constant financial strain that led, in part, to me wanting out of my marriage. Of course, in that situation, there was more money coming in, but the outflow was harder to control. I was thrilled at the thought of being in better control of the money, but now I have cooked my own goose!

I could wring my hands and call myself names and question every decision I have ever made in my life, but I'm not going to. That is my old mode of operation and it usually just makes me vulnerable. The more I question my abilities and my choices, the harder it becomes to make better choices. So...hmmm....let me think...

I admit my mistake. I was inattentive to my spending and the budget. I exhibited some immaturity with my choices. The consequences are all mine and I will work to become more mindful of my long term goals so that I don't waylay myself with my short term desires.

Emotionally, there have been some real rough patches this week. Many of you know that I work in a very small office and that E works with me. It is not easy to spend eight hours a day with someone you are divorcing. Especially if you put yourself in the path of their pain. I am job hunting, but I am so conflicted about leaving my job. It's an easy job, but easy isn't always best. I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to stretch out and try some new things.

In the house, my bedroom is coming along nicely! The walls and ceiling are painted, but I need to clean up the juncture where they meet. The wall are a color called "Dipped In Honey" and the ceiling is "Azure Landscape". It's such a pale blue, that it passes for white, but I really love it against the yellow. Here is my cute little vanity that I bought at the Goodwill for only $9.50 on Independence Day. (Ignore the creepy cat under it!) I painted and antiqued at using the directions here at Cindy's blog, My Romantic Home.

This, obviously, is the before pic. In the lower left is a gold, shiny plastic mirror that I also antiqued and put in the bedroom. Anyway, it's all getting there! I am very, very thankful for the changes in the bedroom. It really is becoming a haven for me- just what I need!

Why I Am Here.

Photo found here- great, isn't it?

Hello Friends.


I've been having such a difficult time putting posts together. This breaking up thing is really hard. Every time I start stringing thoughts together to share with you, I begin to edit myself. I edit myself down to nothing. But I don't want to do that. I am trying to break out of a pattern of ...what? Perfectionism, maybe? There is a part of me that doesn't want to come to the table without a perfect dish to share. I am learning, however, that when I do that, I starve! I love blogging. I love reading blogs and I've grown as a result of reading other people's blogs. It helps us all, I think, when we can reach out and share our experiences with each other.

I also know that ideally, that kind of sharing works best when it is done face-to-face, but long before I got connected with other women in a helping kind of environment, I had the internet. And it really can be a community. There is a difference between communicating individually and communicating in a group. Synergy is an over-used word, but it really applies here, in my opinion. A group creates a body that is more than the sum of its parts. A blog can become a "group" and function as the "minutes" of that group at the same time!


Even if this blog becomes nothing more than me, regurgitating what I am learning as I am learning it, it will still be a help to me in acting as a place to keep all my thoughts together. I do hope that I can bring something worthwhile to the table. Something that, while possibly imperfect, may still have some value to somebody else.

Francis is showing you my newest thrift treasure- a lemon teapot!

So....here I am, at my table. Or lemonade stand!


I don't want to go into all the details that have led to me ending my marriage because, after all, there is another person involved here. That has been the other part of me editing my posts down to nothing! Since all I can control is myself, I will do my best to limit my sharing here to MY experiences.



What I feel inspired to share today isn't even my own work! I found this wonderful article in the comments at Tracey's blog, Notes from A Cottage Industry. The article is called The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup and is on this blog, Getting Past Your Past (http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com) by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. which looks to me like a good resource to tap into often-- like everyday! It is really a great article. All of the phases that the author speaks of are so familiar to me! I love the way the author talks about "cycling" through the emotions of grief repeatedly. When my children were little I read some parenting books by Louise Bates Ames and she talked about the "cycle" process too in terms of child develoment. Also, if you look at nature, you know that growth occurs in cycles with the seasons. I have often thought that all growth is like this. We know from experience that we don't grow in a linear fashion. After all, the phrase "Two steps forward, one step back" must come from somewhere!



I think that personal growth is like a spiral. We know that we want to get to the top, but as we follow the coil, we can sometimes lose sight of where we are going and sometimes we lose sight of where we've been. Sometimes we have to go in the same circles repeatedly before we find our way again. (If you've read to the last book in The Narnian Chronicles, you may remember the end when all our heroes were going higher and higher or in the song, Circle Up by Chris Rice- aahhh, the journey's end!) I feel that the last year has helped me to find my path to a way of living that is authentic and true. Lies that I used to accept as truth (because I didn't know any other way of getting my needs met), I can no longer tolerate. I used co-dependent behaviors for a long time as a way of not feeling or owning my feelings. Once I opened my eyes and was able to behave in more healthy ways, I stopped condoning behaviors that are destructive.



The biggest issue for me has been coming to terms with the fact that I made a mistake in 1995 and I have been punishing myself ever since. Punishing is probably too harsh. Okay, I will back up. When my husband, Jerry, died in April 1995, I was hurting a lot. Instead of allowing myself plenty of time to grieve and surrounding myself with a good support system, I ran away from my feelings and tried to be strong for my children, Carmen and Eric, who were four and one years old at the time. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree and found a bachelor instead. One who thought I was attractive and didn't treat me like I was broken which is how I felt most people treated me at the time. Granted, I was rather broken, but I didn't like being treated like I was! Long story short, I got pregnant seven months after being widowed and tried to make it "right" for the next thirteen years.


Now, was I punishing myself? If a dear friend were telling me this story, I would tell her that she had spent thirteen years trying to do the right thing. The problem was that E and I are completely wrong for each other. That was true then and it's true now. I told my friend Sandra that it's like taking off a poorly fitting shoe after suffering with it for SO long. The last thing you want to do is put it on again!


This blog is not my "divorce" blog. I hope it will be my "life" blog. As I got closer to the end of my marriage, I felt increasingly fragmented with my blog. Tender Arts has always been primarily about dollmaking and crafting. I know now that those activities were part of a coping strategy for me. There was very little about my life that I felt I had control over. In happier days, family and homemaking were a bigger part of my life. As my life became more chaotic, my dollies and crafts were one area where I knew I had complete control.


I hope now that I have a better respect for myself and that I can integrate all the aspects of my life and share them with you. Let's take the bitter and make it sweet- like lemonade!

love,
Bettsi

Welcome Friends!

Here I am!


There has been a big change in my life. My husband moved out of the house a couple of weeks ago. I am the one that caused the separation. Making that decision was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have really felt the need to start a new blog. I want to express myself more fully than I did on the Tender Arts blog, which was primarily about my dolls and crafts.

Having said that, I have had such a difficult time composing this first post! So, fine. I will just say "welcome" today and perhaps tomorrow I will have more to say!

Hugs to all!
love,
Bettsi